19
Nov

A Bit of Humor

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I somehow stumbled upon a really funny website. It’s http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/ and it’s really funny because it pokes fun at virtually everything. This is what it had to say about OCD and driving:

“When driving, if you pass over a bump, check your mirrors to make sure you didn’t run over anything, even if it looked like a bump. In fact, mirrors have blind spots, so you’d better turn around and check the road and roadside for anyone who’s been run over. When satisfied there is no one around, turn around and head back the way you were going. Wait! What was that bump?” – Uncyclopedia

That pretty much sums it up!

Also, as we’re approaching the holiday season…

It’s not fun, but sometimes (when you feel a little bit better) it’s a little bit funny.

17
Nov

Shh! Don’t Wake the “Baby”!

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I’m not in denial. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself (or the part of me that has the OCD). OCD can be like a baby sometimes…or even a new puppy. Once you finally get the baby settled down for a nap (after many sleepless nights, hospital visits, and tears) you don’t want anyone or anything to wake up that baby. Unfortunately, OCD isn’t as cute as a bundle of joy. Chances are it won’t just “grow up” and take care of itself. Right now, my OCD is nodding off, so to speak. I can’t believe I’m comparing it to babies and puppies. That just seems so wrong…but it’s the only way I can explain what I’m trying to say.

Now that I (crossing my fingers, knocking on wood, holding my breath) may have reached a bit of calm, I’m still not where I need to be. I’ve been able to reduce the amount of time I spend obsessing and engaging in compulsive behaviors. I still have a disorder, though. The “O” and the “C” may be less noticeable, but the “D” is still alive and well.

So, on certain days, like today, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I have harm obsessions with checking compulsions. I technically fear hurting others by accident, and I literally don’t have any control over what may spark a random harming thought. It used to just be driving, and that was extremely difficult. My OCD made the turn from “pure obsessions” (mostly just obsessions with some mental compulsions that are not visible) to this very dreadful version of the disorder.

Monday night, our professor let us out early. It took me 90 minutes to get home. It’s supposed to only take about 25-30 minutes to get from UCF to our apartment. I am the master of u-turns because I turn around compulsively to check. I’m mostly concerned with changing lanes and the dangers of accidentally running another vehicle off the road. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to convince myself that I checked carefully, I still have to turn. The longer I resist the urge, the more time I spend driving back to the scene of the supposed accident. It’s exhausting because I usually end up getting so anxious that I think of additional scenarios that take up a ton of my time. If I can’t remember when I changed lanes, I have to go back and make sure that I changed lanes carefully. I just “assume” that I failed to check my blindspots when I can’t recall performing the automated activity of changing lanes.

Lately, though, I’ve been harassed by fears of marbles killing people and balloons causing terrible accidents. Don’t laugh. It makes total sense to me. I’ve tried explaining these fears to the people close to me (mostly to get reassurance, which is a big no-no in the OCD treatment world), and I’ve heard some chuckles. A part of me thinks it’s irrational, but there is just giant part of me that somehow can’t get away from the “WHAT IF?” scenarios.

Here’s the kicker. I read up on harming obsessions and checking compulsions, and research shows that people with this kind of OCD are the most docile, harmless human beings. I would never harm another person on purpose. The idea of causing harm is just awful, and it evokes a great deal of fear. I’m afraid of the horrible consequences, too. I can literally leave the apartment in the morning and think up a whole new scenario that pins me as the villain before I even make it to work. I’m at the point where I literally have to stick to certain rituals to prevent potential pitfalls.

I do wonder if my previous post helped with some of the healing I needed to feel better, even if it’s just a little. I won’t be able to meet with my new counselor until 12/02, so hopefully I can stay calm until then. Driving is still difficult. I still have horrible thoughts (when I allow them in). When I suppress the thoughts, I feel anxious about the thought of the way the horrible thoughts make me feel. I guess I often obsessed about obsessing. It’s so dreadful that I don’t really want to think about the possibility of slipping back into the debilitating OCD I had but a week ago. Does that even make sense?

The wedding is only 31 days away. I have 31 days to calm myself down, and I think I’m doing a kick-ass job!

13
Nov

My First Untitled, Virtually Anonymous Post

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Here I am, after years of resisting the urge to blog due to the fact that I knew I would just write about the mundane, irrelevant, and stereotypical aspects of my life. Out of the billions of people in the world, does it really matter that I have a blog, or any online outlet for my true feelings whatsoever? A long time ago, I realized that people don’t really care about the feelings of others, as long as those feelings do not change them or their beliefs and standards for themselves. At this point, I am WAY past caring if anyone cares what I write about, or if anyone even reads it.

The reason why I’m blogging is for my own personal reasons that will be shared with and possibly read by those that have the energy (or level of boredom) to sit through an honest account of my life. The reason why I’m here, writing this, is a painful one, and I hope I don’t offend or annoy anyone in the process.

As a counselor in training (kind of lame to even consider myself a counselor in training if you continue to read and figure out why I’m actually here right now), I know that this is supposed to be therapeutic. Sitting here, forcing my fingers to communicate my feelings to a bright computer screen with no affect whatsoever. I’m actually willing to try anything at this point to escape from the sudden onset of symptoms I am experiencing.

A few days ago, one of my students shared a very sad diagnosis with me. I had the nerve to wish (for a second) that I could have his condition instead. That’s really horrible…I know that. But wait until I start telling you how I really feel. Or how I really think. Or how my thoughts force me to feel things that I hate feeling.

If you know me, I’m sure you’ve had some unpleasant things to say about me. I’m a bit too pink, a bit too girly, a bit too vain, a bit too annoying, and a bit too into my work and my self-proclaimed superpowers. About a month ago, I still felt extremely happy, healthy, and in charge of my life. Before I start to knock everything about my life, I just want to point out the positives, even though it’s really hard to even face those positive aspects when I feel this sh…crummy. Shummy? Yes, Shummy.

First of all, by my hopes and standards for myself, I have a fantastic future husband (35 days and counting, but more on that later). I have a career (even though I literally had to rise like a phoenix out of a bit of awfulness after two years of sucking at it), and I am working on a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (I also have all the necessary classes to get my license in Mental Health Counseling). I have great parents, great future in-laws, and my dogs are extremely small but awesome for their size. I’ve lost 40 pounds in the last 18 months, but I will tell you this: I think I’m about to gain it all back. No joke.

Underneath of the laughter and pink glitter that encompasses my demeanor on a good day, I am extremely black and blue.

But I don’t know where this is coming from.

I really don’t want to say it, so don’t make me.

Okay, fine…I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And it’s ugly. Almost as ugly as my inability to refrain from using “and” and “but” at the beginning of my blog sentences.

You know those intervention shows where the intervention specialists have the family members write letters to the drug addict or anorexic or whatnot? Well, if I wrote OCD a letter stating how it messed up my life, it would go something like this:

Dear OCD,

Your existence has impacted my life in the following ways: I see scary things when I don’t want to, I have to put up a facade around people in order to be considered normal, I have to hide your existence, and I have to give up on many of my dreams to cater to your needs. You never shut up, which makes it difficult for me to function, and on the most important dates of my life, you suddenly decide to show your nasty face. The nerve you have. Please go get some help, because I really want you to move out and get your own life.

-Henriette

Okay, so I have a mental illness. I don’t like it. I wish I could open up my DSM (the manual used to diagnose mental illnesses) and select something else. With OCD, you always know that you’re irrational but you CAN’T stop. At least with many of the other disorders you have no clue that you’ve lost your mind. Ignorance is bliss, right? Wrong. Because now, I fall into the category of OCD with poor insight. I can’t tell whether or not I am irrational anymore. Now I’m just depressed on top of seeing really strange things in my mind. It really sucks. No, it more than sucks, but I really don’t feel like cursing in my first blog post. I don’t have Tourette Syndrome, even though it does rhyme with my name and I think I would prefer it over OCD. Okay, I don’t really care. It fucking sucks.

I really want to go back in time and write about every obsession or compulsion I have ever experienced, but I think it would be more beneficial to stop right here. I think I should take it one post at a time because it isn’t the easiest thing to blog about mental illness. It doesn’t feel that great. Especially not if you do everything to prevent it. Especially not if you engage in activities to alleviate the stress only to come up with horrible consequences for virtually innocent actions. Like letting go of helium balloons. Or dropping a marble. Or driving. More on that later. I hope that served as a teaser, at least.

What are my hopes for this blog? I hope that I will be able to make it through the next 35 days (leading up to my wedding) without too many sleepless nights, too many days of “I don’t want to go to school today because I feel like crap”, and too many tears (that I even have to hide from my students). I want to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving and all the events that lead up to our wedding, and Christmas, and every important moment for the rest of my life without having a sidekick that doubles as a villain sitting on my shoulder, whispering bitter nothings into my susceptible ears. To me, it’s always worst case scenario. Living is dangerous. Anything can trigger an obsession, and compulsions are draining.

At least I hope this is OCD and that I’m not actually this horrible, bad person I picture in my mind.

I’m not going to check spelling. I have other things to check…with the hope that I’ll feel better or get some kind of answer that will ricochet me in a different direction, away from my current fear. Or maybe into the arms of something new and scarier. Who knows?